...hello and goodbye...

year 2005 had been one heckuva year with the many people that went and came... i felt like i'm in an in-between place, a zone where loved ones, friends and foes stay and leave...

alone again naturally...

i already have accepted this fact in my life... that loneliness is part of it... bitter or sweet, melancholy has its way of creeping into me... in as much as i wanted to pre-occupy my idleness with the many things i planned, it seems to present itself in a manner that i cannot dismiss it as if i had not thoroughly devised an escape contingency... i know as most of us are in the realm of normalancy of circumstance, but to the creatures of the uncertain... loneliness is our daily bread...

...i sat down and wept...

i remember coelho in by the river piedra... once we seek love, love will begin to seek us, it simply makes sense, we need to stand up and summon love for love to hear us... it begins with us and ends with us... we are responsible for finding love and losing love... each of us is borne out of love be it not of our parents but from the One who gave us life... and each of us is innate to the surrender to love, there is a force that flows from each us extending from what is remotely substantial to the absurd... but what amazes me is how each of us love... we love in the most bizaare manner, displaying a spectacle of behavior that is sometimes overly executed to that point of odd pageantry but most love in the darkness... which i am fairly guilty of... why cant we have the courage to overcome the complexities that bounds us to the trench of regret... i am very facinated to people who have found their true love... i wish them the best... bitterness aside, being on the outside looking in, im still full of hope for that is all i have... i wonder when will i sit down and weep...

...time to say goodbye...

what is in goodbyes that makes it so good? ironic isnt it? that a word that means leaving or a traumatic event of separation would have a positive or an affirming "good"-ness in it... why is it that it is "good" to bid farewell to love; or "good" to leave on another's behalf... but seriously is it really "good" that we often abuse the word and use it casually without any effort to show sincerity. or is attaching goodness to a word often associated with shattered hopes and empty cries, just our way of forgiving ourselves for the unseemingly vehement devastation that we are to cause the "departees" ? or is it our way to remind ourselves of the bitter-sweet endings and the nonchalant facade that we scream to the world "i am fine!" in the end we are the ones on the losing end... finding the "good" in goodbye...

The chronicle begins...

My circadian clock is ticking reverse...
the universe is revolting in spiral motion
and the waking is as remorseful as a gag reflex… The chronicle begins…
with new awakenings and
ancient consciousness
of all that it transparent and vague…
lucidity of all that is not…
obscurity of what it is.